Few times in my life have I been truly shocked
and the moment I saw a positive pregnancy test was one
even though we had been trying for a couple of years
after so many “no’s” it was shocking to get a “yes”.
Dumbfounded, all I could say to was “no way, NO WAY”
and I kept uttering it when I ran up the stairs to tell Josh
he knew immediately from my first “no way” that something was up.
we laughed and cried
said a prayer of thankfulness
and felt a little bit of fear
for the road ahead.
Baby V grew and grew
a relatively easy pregnancy
and one long, hot summer
I counted her kicks, gave up caffeine
and longed for a deli sandwich and goat cheese
obsessing over everything a pregnant lady might
I wondered if I was ready, if we were ready for this step we were taking
but becoming mama was a door I was walking through
whether I felt prepared or not.
The days waiting were long indeed
uncomfortable, hot and unable to sleep
we’d gotten a bit used to waiting over those three years of wondering
if parenthood would be part of our story.
these August days felt easy by comparison.
Her arrival into this world took a little more assistance than we anticipated
so much waiting and wondering
prayer and planning
as if we hadn’t known all alone this would happen
our lives becoming forever altered by this tiny girl.
I may not have had the picture of delivering my girl that I had hoped
but that moment I heard her cry
that first glimpse
how she turned to me when she heard my voice
I was completely undone
by this tiny human.
First weeks were, predictably, a blur
a haze of no sleep and recovery
breathtaking awe
this is our person
this is our girl
finally here in our arms.
days become weeks become months
I believe no one that tells me it will get easier
simply smile and thank them for the encouragement.
a year into this adventure of being mama
and my mostly easy going baby girl
is still someone I am learning about
as she grows and changes
exploring more and more of the world.
For so many years I didn’t want to be a mama
it felt like a title for someone else
for the “me down the road”.
and I wouldn’t change those years
of serving and building a marriage
of ministering to other families and seeing the world
sitting by my dad’s hospital bed
raising puppies and investing in people.
This girl in my arms, though
she was worth waiting for
she is pure gift
as her own little person
and as the means through which I have become wholy upended
as she grows and changes
I do, too.
at times crushed under the weight of love for her
wondering if I am enough of what she needs
praying desperately for strength and wisdom
to do what’s good and right
for the sake of my girl.
I spend these summer days now
not waiting for what is ahead
there are far too many songs to sing and dance to, books to read, pools to swim in, puppies to greet, smiles to give and foods to try.
I’m trying to look forward with open hands
ready for the next day with our girl
grateful for this surprise, this task, this blessing
of being her mama.
just breathe 